Antenatal Depression

I found myself googling on the effects of depression during pregnancy, any harm to the baby. Obviously there are the more severe conditions faced by most women out there. To my surprise, quite a significant number of women (about 300 odd women) wrote about how they lack their spousal support, leading them on to depression and in some cases, they are forced to take medications to help themselves. Err.. okay, I don't take any medication and I do not intend to (it's mentioned that it'll do more good than harm). A child born under depression could be prematured, resulting in underdeveloped systems and worst still, experience stress later on in their own lives. I could relate to the breaking down and crying, feeling helpless and feel like i'm being a burden for asking favours. Even the smallest gestures send me to tears these days. The main stem of my own depression is caused by an unmet desire... :( I need to get over that first before I move on. I tear very easily at almost anything and everything that hurts me these days and a lot gets to me. The other day I was scolded by a lorry driver who got off his lorry and came bashing and knocking at my door. I had a super long day that day. Had to run to a few places and this happened while i was on my wat to fetch hubs from our apartment. Following that, still got some cold shoulder treatment from hubs. Still don't understand how to read him i think. I found out the following day the reason for the treatment. IT's nearing the weekend to our supposed baby moon holiday. He sent me the fares he is entitled to. It was super cheap, I wanted to travel to everywhere. I was soooo excited!! I zoomed in to phuket instead. The date should be the 14th - 16th Dec. I booked my remaining leave for the 16th and half day on the 17th. I was searching for hotels, massive research on prenatal massage, spots which would be most convenient for me to move around etc. I have been to Phuket with my girlfriends before, to the Kuta area so I thought it'd be nice to try a different area this time. So the day is the 10th of Dec. I asked hubs if we are still going and what's the plan since my salary was still not in yet by then, I didn't have any spare cash to use. I thought he'd have a plan since he also agreed with me to go. It's just a matter of a few days for me before salary comes in. He vented his frustration saying that he had to sacrifice paying our mortgage just to plan this vacation. I was taken aback. I became totally confused. I wasn't sure what to feel. We got back to step ONE. We have been planning to go somewhere since January 2013, planning ahead for our honeymoon after the 19th of June. So I suggested a short trip on the 19th to return just in time for our wedding dinner on saturday but that didn't happen. Hubs had his explanations. And then I suggested a cruise, the week after the wedding. And he had his court case hearing then plus meetings. So i ended up going back to work while he went on to attend to his matters. So a lot of leave days were used for his leave and court cases. Nothing was planned for our trip together. Then there was the no money season and no leave season and then i got preggers and I knew this day would arrive when I'd want to go somewhere. So I planned a trip to Paris. Supposed to happen in November and then I realised, shit, tight for cash again. And then there was the no time early November that cropped up. To hide my embarrasment (as my close frens knew about the plan), i said that doctor didn't allow me to travel so long and far. I used the short Penang and SG flight experience I had as an excuse as well. So I suggested a shorter trip instead so we can cut down on the cost. So dilly dally and I came to a point when it was December and hubs tells me that he has no more leave days left. I cried my heart out loud. I couldn't contain my sadness. As I still can't do it now. I've attempted to plan with him, without him, my hours of researching for a holiday is all futile. I've come to a bump. I felt like I was burdening him with the idea to take off just because I cannot travel anymore after this till another 6 months - 1 year at least. Its difficult turning from being an active adventurous person to a domestic cat, trying to attend to someone's needs daily and then go to sleep, then work and the same routine continues. We have clearly fallen into a routine, something i've always preached about avoiding. I watched it unfold simply because hubs is busy with his agenda. Although he claims that this' a temporary state, it's left a deep scar within me... I cry daily thinking about it, and I can't hide it from my eyes, which has lost its sparkle. It rained heavily driving back yesterday and this' after finding out that the only weekend he is free on for us to go anywhere to holiday is not going to happen. Mental note to self - never initiate another holiday in the future..