I came across this article on TheStar dated 8th June 2010 - Lifestyle Section; taken from McClatchy- Tribune Information Services. Found it very useful as a check list for myself. In the advent of this new age, where rates of marriage and divorces are on the rise, perhaps we should take a step back and think before getting onto a straight "YES". And 5 months down the road, realise that you can no longer stand the smallest details such as BO or lateness or his pets! And this was you = 5 months earlier going all puppy-doll-eyed at his lil' chihuahua.
Women are more liberalised at this age and time, with the freedom of speech, and doing what they will. Imagine having had your way all your life and suddenly there is this one man who walks in, sweeps you off your feet and before he had put you on the ground, it is already too late to realise the blunder you have made. It's good and well if you were not all that blinded during the courtship period but when reality sinks in and you are not too happy about the outcome of it then your life is at stake.
Anyhow do read on and you might find it useful if you've missed out the news article... It is not the entire article but excerpts from it.
1. Have I observed this person in many situations over an extended period of time?
(from the paper) For the trust-wary, there is no substitute for time. you have to see someone in many different situations over a long period of time before you know what kind of stuff they're made of. Let a new love interest know you need a lot of time to get to know who they are and who you are together before you are ready to commit. The right person will appreciate where you come from and won't push you.
(from me) The journey together as a couple shouldn't just consist of happy and joyous moments but a bulk of it has to be stressful, pain-staking with loads of arguments and disagreements. I believe that arguments are good in a way to iron out issues. I always believed that dust swept under the carpet doesn't disappear into thin air.. It remains until the carpet is lifted up one day. So, the best is to sweep it away while you're at it.
2. Is this person available for family events and holidays?
(from the paper) If not they may already have a family they're not telling you about.
(from me) In my case, I find it hard to make any social plans which include my other half as his weekends are usually packed with classes which usually stretch till late at night, However, when there are the occasional, important events, if and whenever he can he makes it a point to turn up. Holidays are to be planned way ahead prior to the date so adjustments can be made. And when he is flexible to allow room for these adjustments, it reassures you that he is responsible and serious enough to make room for family time.
3. Do they frequently work late/ weekends / take business trips?
(from the paper) Hmmm... perhaps you should find out where they're going and what they're doing.
(from me) Well, we share almost every detail of our daily life with each other at the end of each day and if we really can't talk over the phone due to travel reasons or whatever, we will make it a point to sit through a long detailed gossip session to tell all about the week that has passed or events that transpired. Transparency helps.
4. Do they tell you the important stuff right up front or do you find yourself being blindsided by deal-breakers?
(from the paper) Telling the whole truth, whether it's about sex or health or money problems builds trust.
(from me) Totally agree. Being "best-friends" helps the process as you would naturally confide in your bestfriend in every thing you do, right? That's how we have become. Important stuff, not-so-important details, the whole lot of information is shared. I was listening to a talk on the local radio station this morning about a colleague who gossipped about her co-workers to their boss. And the question was on how and what she can do to make ammends. A caller made a good point = not everyone can take the entire truth. Sometimes if you have to tell 5 facts or truths, tell the whole 3 and tell the rest 2 diplomatically. Which dampens the effect in a way.
5. Are they sincere or do they placate you by telling you what they think you want to hear?
(In the paper) While this tip is closely related to tip 4, it's more about how they operate in the present than whether they've messed up in the past. Learning to ask for what you want and need right now, rather than merely parrot back what you think the other person wants you to want and need, allows you to be transparent in a relationship.
(From me) I firmly believe that transparency is utmost crucial in a relationship. Crucial being the word i've chosen to use due to the weight of the consequences should this rule be broken.
As someone with a history of other bad-apples-experience, I have always felt inadequate and had the need to tell him all about it so he knows it from the start. But the other half thinks otherwise, I love you in the NOW not your PAST. It took me awhile to comprehend this statement. I've learnt to live by it now. By being the best you can be in the present, leaving behind your past and truly doing it, not merely saying that you will. This further builds your firm relationship foundation
6. Are they reliable?
(from the paper) Do they call/ arrive when they say they will? if they say they're going to do something, do they actually do it? This shows respect and consideration for other people. Reliability is important and is very very sexy.
( From me) - totally agree. If anything, I should be the one guilty of non-reliability. Being someone with a high sense of discipline and keeping time, I am the total opposite.
7. Do they share their emotions?
(from the paper) If so, they;re comfortable in their own skin. A good sign they have nothing to hide.
(from me) Not too sure if we can expect much of this from the men in our lives. Being Asian makes it even more hard as Asians are generally not very verbal with their feelings or emotions.
8. Do they remain rational?
(from the paper) No ranting, raving, yelling or screaming, please. Such out-of-control behavious is a smokescreen and what's behind that smoke-screen isn't something you want in your life.
(from me) - Rising to the occasion is definitely a very sexy thing, I feel. Women might want to be in control of everything they can have their say in but deep down inside, at some down point or another, we do want to take a back seat and let someone else drive. In any crazy-hectic-demanding situation, when I am out of control, I need someone to cool me down so another negative charge will definitely be bad news to me.
9. Do they think in terms of "me" or "we"?
(from the paper) In the world of the narcissist, everything is about "me" and that leaves no place for "you" or "we". You want someone who is over themselves. Look for someone who can focus on, care about and make choices based on the well being of other people while at the same time, honoring their own needs.
(from me) Very true, the last thing you need is a mirror or bathroom hogger. Genuine concern will go a long way especially when it comes to golden years.
10. Are they willing to earn your trust?
(from the paper) New relationships are wonderful opportunities to find love - don't hold them captive to the sadness of the past. At the same time, once you decide you're willing to consider trusting someone, remember: he/she has to be willing to earn your trust
(From me) Transparency leading to trust as a basic element is definitely important.
